I'm Back

Well, here I go again. SO much has happened since my last post.....Some good and some bad. Starting with the bad, my mom, Mabel passed away on September 27th. It was sad and amazing watching her go that night. Ever since her doctor visit in April which landed her in the hospital every day was a downward spiral for her. Whatever started or launched this, we don't know. She was getting weak and started falling. My mom was 79. In the hospital they found she had a blood clot in her lung and was in congestive heart failure. After a week in the hospital we all agreed she needed rehab, so she decided to go to a nursing home instead of having to be driven every day. I was still teaching at the time. Two weeks later when things were looking up for her and she was getting ready to go home she got severely dehydrated. Back in the hospital she went. This was the beginning of the decline. Four months later and 6 hospital (infections, draining fluids, etc) visits landed her in the hospital for the 7th and last time. This time it was to fix the lining in her lungs. By this time my mom wasn't my mom. I had spent the whole summer mourning her as each visit with her she remembered less and less and declined more and more. But this time we had hope. Sealing the lining would make it easier to breath, which would give her more energy. Her deep depression (so common with people her age in this situation) was going to be addressed with some strong meds. We hoped for improvement. At this point I was at the stage where visiting her was an ordeal. It was so sad and hard yet I loved being with her knowing each visit might be my last. That last hospital stay with the sealing of her lining went well at first and on Friday morning, the day after, my brother had good news. All was well. But then things changed that Friday. She started making jerking movements and doing strange things with her mouth. Her legs were ice cold. At the last minute her move out of intensive care was cancelled. I had taken that Friday off work to go be with her, but I also had 6 classes of essays to be graded that weekend. My brother said to some Sat. morning. I graded all I could Friday and arrived in San Angelo on Sat. at 9 A. M. My younger brother, Russell was there. My mom was making jerking movement and it was strange, but she greeted me with a smile. The nightmare part of this came when I looked at her legs, they were both purple. It was scary and intuitively I knew the end was near although I denied it and kept telling myself she'll be ok. Cleon and his wife arrived shortly after I did. He had gone home at midnight to get his wife. My mom even ate that day. I fed her pudding and applesauce with her meds crushed up in it and she drank water. My mom had given up eating much at the nursing home, so this was so good that she even ate. She was still with us. Through the course of the day various specialists came and went and it was decided to take her into surgery to clear the blockage in her legs and save them from amputation. The drawback was it would shut down her kidneys and that would be it for her. But it bought time for her and saved her legs. We just didn't know how much time. Hours, days, weeks? The surgery went well. She stopped jerking and at 9:30 PM after a day of intense waiting my sister-in-law and a brother went home. I got in bed as my head was pounding. My older brother ate and went up there. I got up at 11 and felt better...ate and we all went to bed confident tomorrow would be better. An hour or so later though, my brother calls us to the hospital...Mom's heart-rate was slowly declining, the end was near. We rushed up there. I went to her side and told her it was time to let go. I said Dad and Lannis (my older brother who died) were waiting for her and it was time to see them. I said we would all be fine and we would miss her terribly, but would never forget her. I said we all love you so much. She said I love you too. Those were her last words. So everyone said their goodbyes. We called my sister who was able to talk to her and my niece.At this point my mom responded with her eyes. She was still with us even now. As the numbers on her monitors slowly went down, they started unhooking all her IV's. Finally, my brother Cleon told her to smile and as she died she smiled as we all held onto her. That was the amazing part. And then it was over. A feeling of relief and sadness mixed with unbelief settled in me. The next day we had her funeral planned, her obituary written and my sister flew in. Everyone had to drive home to get the proper clothes. I need to be with my family for the night. We got up early Monday and went back to San Angelo. We had lots of loose ends to take care of. We had her Rosary on Tuesday night, buried her Wednesday and I was back at work on Thursday. It was a surreal week. I miss my mom. I had the whole summer to mourn her dying, so her death was no shock. It is still hard to think she is gone. I still catch myself saying I need to get there for Mom or I need to tell her this. :) In time it will get easier. Right now we have her house to deal with and all her belongings. That is another chapter.

Authentic

You know what is really hard? Being yourself. I'm almost half a century old and I still find ways to shield my true self. I'm not sure why we do this or maybe I'm the only one that does. I know I have many different selves. Maybe that is it....I'm different things to different people. I'm different at school than I am at home. I'm different with different people. I change to fit them. Wow. So my goal is to be more consistent- authentic. In what I say, in how I react, and in how I live. In doing so maybe I can shed this outer layer ( both physical and mental) and find the real me. I know I'm in here somewhere. 

I'm Yours

Thanks Jason Mraz, for your inspiration. :) If you don't know who he is...you should look up his songs. They are awesome. His philosophy is finally something I can relate to. I find the older I get the more I search for more meaningful  spiritual realities and look for more meaning in my life. So I'm changing my path for a while. I'll probably need some reminders to get back on this path, but here I go !! 

Summer

Yey...it's summer. I love being off work and home! It's time to rejuvenate and do all the extra-cleaning, sorting, and errand running you can't do when you work. However this summer like last summer we've decided to move to a new house...again...   We just moved out here last August. I really like the house and yard. It's the drive that is hard. It added about 15-20 minutes to our drive. Parker is too active and this isn't working. Plus he misses his friends. We are moving into our old neighborhood just a different house. :) If all goes well and we sell this one in a reasonable amount of time we should be ok. If this house sits for too long it might be an issue. I am keeping my fingers crossed. I am in mourning for this house. It truly is a dream house. The yard is fabulous and you feel like you are at a retreat. But the drive doesn't justify the view and quietness. So city life here we come. The stagers are here now making it look like a "showpiece" and I'll post the before and after pics. In the meantime I'll enjoy the birds and fish and tranquility. 

Almost the End of the Year

As the school year finally winds down I find myself thinking of the positives and negatives of the last school year. I think the biggest change in my life was moving so far out into the country. While I love my home and location, the extra 15 minute drive ended up being more of a challenge than I thought. I'm not sure if it's worth it or not because when I drive home I think of how I could be home already if I hadn't moved, but when I get home and see the beautiful natural surroundings I think it's well worth it. So, I guess the verdict is still out on that.

Teaching wise this year started out rough. Our school for some reason decided we needed to change the way we did lesson plans. Never mind that the last 8 years I've worked for this school we've managed just fine without objectives, TAKS, TEKS, and the assessment labeled. We were told all we need to know is what you did or or what you plan to do and our TAKS scores were great. Isn't that all that matters?? LOL This year we added all that extra stuff which is really just a time eater.  For someone with two preps, one being a brand new prep and being kicked out of her classroom during her conference period, that was hard. I found myself doing a lot of grading/curriculum writing and planning at home. While I understand that sometimes everyone takes work home, I was taking home 8-10 hours of work most weekends for a while there. I finally got a handle on it and still take things home 4 or 5 days, but not 8 hours worth

 I discovered I don't like Junior English. I just can't get excited about the literature(American) . The age is ok. I think though that I still prefer the younger students (9th grade) who still have a bit of innocence about them.  I will miss my 9th graders this summer. I miss their energy and how they bounce back from everything that happens to them so quickly. I like how they get so in to what I'm telling them as long as I make it interesting!!!  ( My juniors look at me like I'm from Mars...sigh :) ) I also like the variety of literature that is read in the 9th grade. I feel like the end of the year is like having a baby. You tend to forget all that was bad, and just remember the good. The result is a beautiful baby you can take home.

School is my baby and I just need to get home.

Long Time No See

Wow..it's been ages since I've written here. My life is filled with work and Parker's activities and what little time I have for myself is consumed with chores and house maintenance stuff. I like the busyness  though, but I miss the down time that I desperately need. Luckily with teaching I get a couple of months off in the summer and can return to a calmer state of mind!  In the meantime I'm counting off the days until school is out!! 23 an counting! 

Wanting Color

Lately I've been craving color.

 I want a colorful bed. 

I want color on my counters. 

I want color in my bathroom. 

I want color on my walls. 

I love that color comes with spring. 

I am even wearing clothes with color.

I think I'm ready for a change. 

 I found I could say things with color and shapes that I couldn't say any other way - things I had no words for. 

Georgia O'Keeffe 

Squirrel Haiku

You cute pirate squirrel

Stealing bounty from the birds

A charming rodent. 

Dear Parker,

Sweet child of mine. 

Ok...I know I see you every day, but I thought a letter might be more appropriate since you are so busy over spring break doing really important things like playing video games and basketball. So if you have a minute I have a few questions for you. 

First of all, did you know you have a designated place for your socks to go when you are finished wearing them? And the hall or the family room isn't one of them? 

And did you know that your four pairs of shoes scattered through various parts of the house isn't really attractive and you do have not one, but two closets in your room they could go in? 

Oh and did you know that your Ipod and phone are yours and not to be confused with food? I wonder because you always leave them on the table. 

Did you know I pulled out 6...yes 6 ...1/2 full bottles of Gatoraide from the fridge yesterday? Thank you for kindly finishing them off before opening a new one. 

And finally how do you manage to take care of these things when you are in school, doing homework and going to practice everyday with practically no free time and on spring break when you have NOTHING you have to do you can't remember to put this stuff up????? 

Just Wondering.

Love,

Mom

Spring BRAKE......STOP and Take a Break!!

Oh Thank Goodness It's Finally Here. 

It's that wonderful time in March where we teachers get a break from the young dears. 

And I love it. 

This is what I'll be doing: 

I'll be looking at these outside my kitchen window

and watching these: 

I'll be watching these bloom and flourish: 

After that I will most likely cuddle with her: 

I hope to spend time with these: 

I hope to catch up on reading these: 

But not these: 

Oh sure, I'll have to do this: 

But I plan on spending a whole lot of time just looking at this: 

So I brake for spring break and recharge, renew and unwind!!!!